Delusional Page 21

  “Well, no of course not.” Her tone was sharp, and there was a saddened, almost angry look in her eyes. “But I highly doubt me, or Antonio would’ve been put in this position if it wasn’t for you two.”

  “So, you are saying that this is our fault.” Ethan’s voice was airy, and I could see his eyes peer inward at someone that was unsure of who he was looking at. There was a cold tone underneath his voice, and he pushed back his black, overgrown hair in dismay.

  There was a long pause where the tension in the air felt right about to snap underneath the heavy frost and mounting hunger that was beginning to possess me.

  “No, I was just-”

  “Look,” Ethan interrupted his voice rash. “You can think or say whatever you want, but don’t you dare blame this hell on me!” Tears welled up in his eyes, “I woke up and was thrusted in to this crazy world, that I have no conscious recollection of, but apparently, my actions in some past life have changed this world forever. I didn’t choose this life, I didn’t choose the brown skin and lanky body I was forced into. I didn’t choose to live in this world!” Ethan’s words were echoing the thoughts locked in my head. They were echoing the emotions that I didn’t want to let out, and I had to push back harder than ever to keep the saltwater from inundating the freshwater lake in my mind. “And I didn’t choose for President Ash to come after you, Antonio, Natalie, me, or anyone else in the world!”

  Maybe it was just the reflection of the setting sun, but Ethan’s unshaven face glowed red as he spoke. The anger oozed out of him, and I knew that if I allowed myself to lose my cool I would never be able to regain control.

  “Ethan, just take a minute to calm down, and think about what you’re saying.” I tried to remind him before he flew completely off the rail. “We’re all tired, and starving,” I felt the leaves begin to rustle beneath our feet as we entered the forest, “Let’s just go find something to eat and rest. We won’t get anywhere feeling like this.”

  “Okay,” Ethan said the mish-mosh of emotions was still visible on his face. There was an expression in his eyes that signaled he was only listening because I said it. “Okay.”

  We continued strutting through the forest covered in the same bright yellow and orange leaves, but just ahead there was a band of evergreen trees that snaked back and forth almost as if they were following something. I took a deep breath to release some of the anxiety stored inside me, and admired the picturesque colors reflecting off the clouds as the last sliver of sun set below the snowy mountains. The fluffy clouds above were dyed pink and turquoise, and the sky behind it was flashing a deep orange for the last time before the darkness enveloped the sky.

  I glanced back at Antonio, who still had that zoned-out look strewn across his face and began to tear up. It was one of those uncontrollable reactions, where the emotions just seemed to fizz out of me. Watching Antonio walk was like admiring the sun set on a day you never wanted to end. It’s a slow, arduous process that evokes immediate emotions of sadness.

  The last rays of sun were shining through the breaks in the leaves, and below the ground changed from coarse leaves to brown pine needles and colorless grass.

  “Look at that!” Ethan exclaimed pointing ahead.

  “What are you taking about?” I strained my eyes.

  Ethan began to run forward, “Look it’s a patch of bushes, with berries on them.”

  Even though the powerless feeling in my muscles was crippling, I couldn’t resist the urge to sprint forward. “What is it?” I questioned, out of breath with excitement, and the fact that I had just run a whole hundred yards to catch up to him.

  “Look,” He smiled and plucked a bright red thing off the chest high bush next to me, “It’s a berry.”

  “Food,” My eyes lit up with excitement and my mouth watered. Relief washed throughout my body with more veracity than the water coursing downstream just a few feet away. My body ached for food, and finally we had found it. At last! The joyous words ringed in my head as I hastily grabbed a handful of bright red, porous berries off the green bush and began to devour them.

  “Wait!” Antonio hollered, limping to catch up to us. My jaw froze instinctively. “Are those berries poisonous?”

  Ethan and I both glanced at each other dumbly with our mouths full like rabid chipmunks.

  “Are they poisonous?” Antonio repeated, this time with even more urgency. He was in disbelief, and by the look on his face I questioned whether he wanted to believe it or not.

  My tongue repulsed at the word, spitting out the sweet, mashed-up berries onto the ground. “I don’t know.” I stated wiping my tongue off.

  “Well we have to find out.” Antonio stated, his eyes wide.

  “Does it even matter?” Dulce asked picking a berry off the bush and mushing it around in her hand. “They feel fine, look harmless, how bad could they be?”

  “If they are poisonous then you will throw up, and your body will lose even more liquids and nutrients.” Antonio’s eyes looked genuinely full of concern, but there was a made tenseness to his face.

  “Well then how do we know if they are poisonous?” I questioned rolling the seemingly harmless berry between my fingers. It was smooth, but with fine, miniscule bumps on its surface, and tiny, almost microscopic hairs dotting its surface like peach fuzz.

  “I’m no berry expert,” Dulce exclaimed, an annoyed look in her eyes, “But screw it. If we throw up, then we eat more. I’m literally dying here, c’mon.” Dulce shoved the berry in her mouth and swallowed it in one gulp, causing Antonio’s eyes to widen with surprise.

  “See,” She said, “I don’t think I’m dead—no life-threatening illnesses—your fine.”

  “Woah,” Antonio looked at her in dismay, “Slow up there, how do we even…”

  “Just get over yourself and eat some berries. They won’t kill you.” she rolled her eyes and shoveled a massive pile of berries from the bush into her mouth.

  I glanced at her and noting that she wasn’t going into any sort of convulsions yet, I picked several berries from the bush and put them in mouth, letting the sweet juices from inside fill my tastes buds with joy.

  “Mm.” Ethan said after swallowing. “Probably the best thing I have ever eaten.”

  “Me too,” I said picking each berry from the bush individually, and then piling them in my mouth in one sweeping scoop. I could feel the hairs on each of the berries tickle my throat on their way down, and the sweet flavor radiated from my tongue to the rest of my body in seconds. The berries had a lumpy, delicate feel to them and they smelled like pure joy.

  I continued plucking the berries off the thin, flimsy branches that were surrounded by light green leaves until we finished off the first and had to move onto the next of what looked like dozens of bushes. The berries weren’t clustered together but dispersed throughout the branches.

  In my stomach, a beautiful reunion was taking place that sent pleasure and relief coursing through my veins. Finally, the taste of real food sliding down my throat and the sweet smell of fruit, instead of the putrid smell of the vomit-filled mixtures we were given each day in that hellish prison President Ash had taken us away to, swarmed my nose.

  “I would try not to eat too much of those.” Antonio sat down and sighed. “You don’t wanna end up losing all the nutrients you just ate from puking.”

  “Solid point.” Ethan took a step back from the berries and wiped a hand over his mouth.

  I was so absorbed in my own ardor that I failed to notice that Antonio hadn’t even reached out to take a bite of a single berry, despite him coaching us on our own eating habits.

  “Shouldn’t you at least eat a little bit?” Ethan questioned a bewildered look across his face.

  “I don’t know,” He shrugged, “guess I’m not hungry.”

  “Or you’re scared that they are ‘poisonous’.” Dulce teased

  “No, I’m not,” Antonio’s eyes drifted off into the distance, the emptiness prevalent in his pupils causing a ghostly shiver
to crawl down my spine, “I guess I just don’t feel well.”

  I glanced at him, suspiciously. “Antonio, stop being silly. You have to eat.”

  “No, I don’t,” He said, “Just don’t worry about me I’ll be fine, I won’t starve myself to death.”

  “Okay, then.” Ethan said his voice groggy.

  After his words, a cold silence enveloped the air, as I sat down on the ground and sighed, done with eating the berries for the moment. The sharp wind sliced through my skin. Suddenly, the warm, full feeling left me, swept away by the bitter coldness that resided inside me. I felt the chill press up against my bones, causing them to feel weak and brittle.

  “Does anyone know how to make a fire?” Ethan said, shivering. “We can’t just sleep out in the cold like this.”

  I looked around and could barely make out the blank expressions on everyone’s faces.

  “Well what else are we gonna do?” I said sitting down on the cold, compact dirt. “It’s not like any of us has a lighter, and good luck trying to take sticks and stones to make a fire.” My eyes were beginning to adjust to the suffocating darkness, “We can sleep over there, under that tree.”

  “And freeze to death out here?” Dulce said with a terrified expression on her face.

  “We won’t freeze to death,” I said, “We have each other. We can huddle up and get through the night together, and tomorrow we can focus on surviving another day.”

  Ethan glanced grudgingly at the tree, and then back at me, seemingly accepting the ridiculousness of our reality. Seeing there was no other option we all bundled up underneath the tree, using the trunk as a headboard. I could start to feel my mind slipping out of consciousness, Ethan’s body pressed up tightly against mine, creating an aura of heat between us.

  But then, a frigid wind howled in my ears and pounded against my skin causing my eyes to shoot open. Instantly, a mind-numbing fear overcame me, causing my heart to beat rapidly, and the hairs on my body to stand up straight. The blackness closed in on us, suppressing my thoughts and my breaths. It was a thick darkness, a stew that brewed for hours into a vile concoction that trickled down my throat causing my whole life to feel like it was caving in.

  President Ash is out to get us. President Ash is going to get us. The thoughts ran ramped in my mind. I glanced around in a fit of hysteria; in that moment I believed monsters and demons were out to get us and bound to scoop us away in one frosty gust and maybe it was just me, but I swear I could see a row of men holding knives at the corners of my vision.

  Just think calm thoughts. Just think calm thoughts. I tried to dream of a paradise, of an alternate universe, where none of my reality was true, but images of terror, death, and fire kept poking at my vision. I tried to imagine, even convince myself, of a pretty lie. But something inside me echoed that the darkness around me was paradise compared to the hell he would bring upon me.

  Chapter 16

  My eyes snapped open, and my hands instinctively moved to the pistol that was still mounted in my waistband even though it had no bullets. I listened to the subtle movements of something moving scarily close to me, and gulped, fearing it was a monster, a demon, or the government.

  I tensed up as something grazed across Ethan’s side, who jerked his arm that was wrapped around me. Another shrill of the wind howling in my ears ensued as I felt Ethan shift next to me. I could feel the darkness slowly grip around my throat and threaten to squeeze the life out of me.

  Run. Fast. Now. I propelled my legs forward determined to escape whatever monster was about to prey on us, but then I connected with his eyes.

  “Antonio?” I questioned narrowing my eyes. My fingers were frozen to the point that they had lost all feeling in them, but I still managed to point the gun, with zero bullets in its chamber, steadily at him.

  Antonio’s hands shook, and a determined look appeared on his face. I lowered my gun, as I realized that the barrel wasn’t pointed at me, it was faced directly at his heart.

  “W-wait,” I stuttered in shock, “Antonio!”

  Both Ethan and Dulce scrambled to their feet in alarm. I watched in terror, not knowing whether to lunge and knock the gun out of his hands or close my eyes.

  His whole body was rigid and unmoving, despite the cold gusts of wind. He was so close, just feet away, yet his eyes looked worlds away. The anger radiated off him, suppurating with the darkness into an uncontrollable light beneath the glassy film coating his eyes. Antonio looked at me, his face firm, but his body on the verge of collapsing.

  “What’s going on?” Ethan asked reaching for his gun, but his hands came up empty.

  At this, the emotions balled up inside of Antonio streamed out of his eyes in a few drops of silent tears, as the tension that caused his body to appear so rigid snapped. For hours, it seemed, everything was ominously silent, the leaves turning over slowly as the storm of darkness prepared to unleash its wrath on us.

  “I can’t take this anymore!” Antonio screamed at a deafening volume. “I can’t keep living like this! I need to make the pain end!”

  He inhaled, snot running down his face. “I need to end it,” his hands quivered as he held the gun to his head, “I need it all to be over.”

  “No!” I screamed trying to knock the gun out of his hand, but he swiveled his arm away. “You can’t give up Antonio!” The words reverberated inside my head as I found myself fall to the ground, feeling powerless.

  “Give up?” Antonio pounded his fist against the ground, he slowly looked up at me a fire burning through the icy film at the surface of his eyes. “What else can we do? Try fruitlessly in surviving in this messed up world? Reach desperately in attempt to grab the lives that were already ripped from us? Is there another option?” His voice was so loud that it sliced through the harsh gales and bounced off my eardrum. “Natalie,” He spoke softer now, “We can’t keep fighting in a war we already lost. We can’t keep trying to take something back that was already destroyed and incinerated into a pile of ash. We can’t keep doing this. We have to stop!”

  The echo of his voice died out, and the cold wind was left roaring in my ears. I tried to swallow what he was saying but my mind simply couldn’t. A pounding sensation rocked my head, as my body repulsed his words. “No, Antonio you’re wrong.” My voice had a sharp coldness to it. “That’s exactly what they want you to think. That’s exactly what they want you to do. But there is still hope, there has to be.”

  “Hope!” He bellowed, his eyes were wide and unmoving. “Hope for what? Hope that somehow everything out of our control falls into place? Hope that somehow everything will magically get better? Hope that this pain will somehow end? Look, I’m not that naïve, I know this is how it’s going to be. I know that this is all out of our control, but there is one thing in mine control.” Oddly enough the tiniest smile bled through his as he moved his finger slowly towards the trigger.

  “Don’t.” Ethan said. “Think about what you’re doing. Think about the consequences. Think about what will happen.”

  “What will happen if I kill myself you mean? You mean what will happen if I get alleviated from all the pain and stress of the real world, and get to experience whatever lies past this place even if it is nothing? What will happen if I can finally end all the struggles, and just be at peace with everything?”

  “Think for a minute!” Ethan screamed. “Ending everything is not the better alternative. What about your life? What about your future? Doesn’t any of that matter?”

  Antonio dropped his gun to the ground and buried his face into his hands. “What future?” He looked up, the defeated look in his eyes heartbreaking. “There’s no guarantee that I will make it to tomorrow. And even if I do, what do I have, one, two more days before I lose too much blood. Two more days of hell, for you guys to just leave me in the wilderness to decay like a rotten animal. That’s not gonna happen! I’m not gonna succumb to death like that. I’m going to do it on my own terms.”

  I heard Dulce weeping behind me. Tears
were streaming down Ethan’s face too. “I want to be with my family again.” Antonio croaked. “My parents were killed over ten years ago; my four siblings were ripped from me just a few years back,” He stared up at the sky, tears slowly dripping off his soft, eerily, beautiful face, “I am the only one left. I have nothing!”

  “I understand, I really do,” Ethan’s voice was soft and frail, unlike the normally loud and powerful tone he spoke with. “But just because you aren’t happy with the way things are right now, it doesn’t mean that they can’t get better in the future. It doesn’t mean that you have to end all of it.” He paused, and stared directly into his eyes, “Antonio, please don’t do it. I promise we will mend your wounds, and I promise we will try to do our best to fix our lives. We can do this, together.”

  “I wish I could say yes. I wish I could believe you, but I can’t.” He paused, a chuckle filled with tears and laughter making its way out of his throat. “Y ’know I’ve been thinking about doing this very thing for years, but one thing always held me back. I always had some hope, a faint belief, that it could get better. I had the fantasy that somehow what’s out of my control would start to get better, but now I realize that it’s impossible.

  “Now, after witnessing the pure evil that humanity can stoop down to, after realizing truly how fucked we are, I have come to the realization that there is no hope in humanity. There is no hope in our lives getting better when other people control it. There is no point in me continuing to live on this earth. And there is nothing you can do to convince me otherwise.”

  His cold words rung in the air and stuck to my ears. Instantly my heart sank, as the fire in his eyes only glowed a deeper red.

  “So, this, is it?” I sniffled, tears in my eyes, “This is how it’s going to end?”

  “I’m not gonna let you do this Antonio.” Ethan interjected. “You can’t do it, you can’t.”

  “No,” Antonio said picking up the gun and holding it to his head, “It is my will and it is my right to end this suffering. And I suggest you guys leave before it happens.”